Building Genuine Self-Esteem
Rather than cheerleading we should encourage kids to venture forth and act in ways that are truly admirable
For years academics and policy makers have promoted the blanket recommendation that we should do all we can to raise the self-esteem of children and teens. Its intuitive appeal led the self-esteem movement to be enthusiastically embraced by parents, educators and administrators, who all shared the belief that efforts to boost kids’ self-esteem would serve them well and bring only benefits. The notion that it is better for kids to have high self-esteem than low self-esteem seems eminently reasonable, yet the basis for this contention turns out to be surprisingly shaky. Those who rank high on self-esteem do behave differently compared to those who rate low on self-esteem; however, the assumption that they are better off as a result is not really supported.
One of the stronger arguments for the self-esteem movement is that those with high self-esteem are presumed to be more resilient and less likely to become discouraged in the face of setbacks. It is true that those with high self-esteem do show greater initiative and are more willing to back themselves, even it it means defying others’ advice and going it alone. It is easy to see how such unshakeable self-belief might be a useful trait to develop for an aspiring young athlete.
The other apparent benefit that is well supported is that those with higher ratings of self-esteem do consistently report higher levels of happiness. Every parent wishes their kids to be happy, so it is easy to see how this alone might have led so many to jump on board the self-esteem movement so readily. Raising somebody’s self-esteem does appear to them happier, or at least relieves some of the unhappiness associated with low self-esteem.
With those exceptions, the evidence is scant. Many of the claims regarding the merits of high self-esteem for kids were based on self report. The glaring issue with this approach is that somebody whose favourable self-reports classify them as high in self-esteem might also be likely to rate themselves highly in other areas. Self-reported abilities and accomplishments are not necessarily reflective of the objective data and so many of the claimed links between self-esteem and achievement in various areas turned out not to be supported by the evidence.
‘The self-esteem movement has ended up being something of a black eye for the profession of psychology…’
- Baumeister & Vos in their 2018 article ‘Revisiting Our Reappraisal of the (Surprisingly Few) Benefits of High Self-Esteem’
Beyond that, many of the purported benefits that led proponents to extol the benefits of raising kids’ self-esteem were based on correlation. To give an example, kids with higher self-esteem reported better academic grades, so the contention was that if we boost kids’ self-esteem they will perform better in school. The trouble was that they had the causation backwards. The higher self-esteem of the more accomplished students was a reflection of their record of achieving good grades, rather than the better grades being a product of higher self-esteem. Simply boosting kids’ self-esteem does not make them better scholars.
An interesting question to ponder is what best motivates young people to strive to become better and do the work necessary to change their situation, improve their prospects and unlock their unrealised potential? On one hand, those with high self-esteem might be more likely to be undaunted by the prospect of taking on a challenge and unfazed by setbacks along the way. On the other, a young performer with high self-esteem might also be less inclined to face the reality of their present situation, slower to acknowledge the need to course correct and more reticent to address present shortcomings. An inflated sense of how good they are can prove to be an impediment to realising how far off they are from where they want to get to and having a true appreciation of the work that still needs to be done.
It is worth considering that some proportion of those who rate themselves highly might simply be deluded. This is not something we should be seeking to promote. Having an inflated assessment of their own abilities is akin to the famous Dunning-Kruger effect that described the ‘unskilled and unaware of it’ phenomenon.
The insistence on unreservedly boosting kids self-esteem can easily create a scenario where the grown-ups become a chorus of cheerleaders all continually telling junior athletes how great they are. We also have a problem when a young person’s self-esteem is contingent upon success and status in one narrow domain in their lives (such as sport). When boosting ego and self-esteem is one of the rewards that motivates them to participate, this creates a host of issues that undermine their progress and development.
According to this well-meaning but ultimately misguided approach, it is the duty of the grown-ups to promote the message that the young person is perfect as they are. Telling kids that whatever they do is good enough is a profoundly demotivating message. It is also quite dispiriting - whatever you do is fine, it does not matter. Some even go as far as to insist that there is no need for them to change but rather the world will change around them. Creating such expectations does not serve kids and sets them up for a rude awakening when they inevitably discover that the world is not so accommodating.
With everybody telling them how good they are, it is no surprise that a young performer might rate themselves highly and buy into the delusion. For those who have the young performer’s best interests in mind, it might prove necessary to burst their bubble. This is not to say that we should be dismissive of the possibilities - who knows what a young person might be capable of - but rather that we should be frank and honest about where they are now and their present shortcomings. Kids must first unmask whatever misguided beliefs they are labouring under and start to grapple with the reality of their current situation if they are to plot a path forwards.
It is extremely powerful for a respected grown-up to express their belief in a young athlete’s potential. However, this belief must be genuine. Imbuing kids with high self-esteem is only beneficial to the extent that there is some basis for this elevated self-regard. The trouble with artificially boosted self-esteem is that it is fragile, being based on nothing but hot air. Paradoxically, this may lead to feelings of insecurity rather than self-assured kids who are genuinely resilient. There is nothing so unstable as a big ego that is fragile.
The issue is less that an individual’s self-esteem is low versus high, which is anyway shaped by their innate temperament and personality traits as much as anything. Rather what we should be seeking is that their self-regard is appropriately calibrated, such that it is both reflective of reality and responsive to objective feedback. Kids can and should be hopeful and optimistic about their future prospects whilst still remaining grounded and in touch with reality.
It is appropriate that as parents we should be our child’s biggest fan. However, if we want to cultivate real and enduring self-esteem then what we express to them also needs to be truthful. In other words, we need to be more considered in the way we encourage kids and how we offer guidance. Indiscriminately seeking to boost kids self-esteem irrespective of any individual consideration (or reference to the facts) is unhelpful, not least as it undermines our credibility.
A far better route to a genuine (and robust) sense of self-worth is to motivate kids to seek to become an admirable person and act accordingly - that is, to venture forth and valiantly strive to achieve their highest aspirations. In other words, genuine self-regard comes from doing things that would make them worthy of esteem in their own eyes and in the eyes of others.
At first it might seem confronting and even discomfiting to be told ‘you are not all you could be’. However, the implication is that they have potential that is not being realised. The message that every young person needs to hear is that they are capable of so much more. Being told ‘I know you can do better’ is inspiring and motivating.
A point worth making and reinforcing often is that simply having the courage to step into the arena in itself sets them apart from most of their peers. Moreover, we should encourage kids to take pride in being steadfast in the pursuit. Ultimately the person best placed to judge them is the person the mirror. Every time they fight and win the private battle to turn up to practice and train when they are not feeling like it should be recorded as a victory.
All the same, when they give less than their best, we are meant to notice and respond in a way that reflects and reinforces the message that they should embrace life’s adventure and it does them a disservice when they withhold their full effort. It is healthy for kids to not want to disappoint those who support and care about them. There is a reason why it stings so much to hear a parent or respected elder say ‘I am not angry, I am just disappointed’. It is crucial that we make it clear that we will not think any less of them if they fall short in the pursuit; in fact, we will be proud that they had the courage to step into the arena and test themselves. But we should equally make it clear that we expect them to give it their all and to persevere rather than giving up at the first sign of difficulty.
The time when kids do actually need a boost is in the fact of setbacks. This is especially the case with kids who are less confident and less self assured (these tend to be the more sensitive kids who are often coincidentally the most intelligent). This is the time when expressing our belief in their ability to overcome and the message ‘you’ve got this’ is genuinely beneficial.