Helping Kids Find Value in the Struggle
Why we should teach kids to embrace difficulty and relish being challenged
Strange as it may seem, societal trends over recent times have prompted prominent authors to write books extolling the virtues of voluntarily ‘doing hard stuff’. One of the most important life lessons that sport offers for kids is the value of hard work and consistent application of effort. Taking on a hard challenge in sport and in life will likely involve periods of struggle, which brings us onto an important but overlooked point that struggle is a potential source of value in all kinds of ways. The idea that experiencing difficulty is desirable is counter-intuitive and so might not seem obvious at first glance. We can help kids to connect the dots and overcome some common preconceptions that may otherwise prevent them from deriving the benefits.
The notion that the rewards we experience depend on what effort we expend and the level of difficulty involved is not a new idea. Previous generations understood that engaging in hard physical work is worthwhile in itself, not least because of the positive feelings we experience when the job is done. Not everybody enjoys training but we all enjoy the feeling of having completed a workout. Applying ourselves and digging deep to get through a hard session fosters a sense of accomplishment. It also boosts self-esteem by signalling to ourselves and others that we are the type of person who does not give up when the going gets hard. Part of the satisfaction that we feel after a hard training session or effortful practice is knowing that all the effort we put into the workout is now in the bank.
Paradoxically if we remove challenge and difficulty, we are less content. Too much ease makes us uneasy. We need to feel we have worked hard and earned what we have in order to feel satisfied and content. When faced with a scenario where food and entertainment are readily available, such that we do not need to work to get these rewards, we find this deeply unsatisfying and even depressing. This is the first world problem that may be contributing to our worsening mental health. When rewards are available without any effort, they are no longer rewarding!
If you find a path with no obstacles it probably doesn’t lead anywhere
- Frank A. Clark
A good starting point is helping kids to understand that anything straightforward to attain will likely not bring much satisfaction. When things come too easily it robs the endeavour of any meaning. Nothing rewarding is achieved without difficulty. In turn, the sense of accomplishment we feel is directly proportional to how much we were stretched. In other words, the rewards we experience upon reaching the summit is determined by the struggle it took to get there.
Youth sport is great for teaching the virtues of striving, persistence and tenacity. When embarking on a quest to achieve something suitably challenging, it is highly unlikely that you will succeed at the first attempt. The road to any meaningful achievement is typically littered with failed attempts and setbacks along the way. How kids learn to respond when they encounter difficulties and experience times of struggle is a crucial facet of the talent development process.
We should all perhaps have a greater appreciation for the struggle. When we are struggling and experiencing difficulty the default response is often to question ourselves. It is not uncommon to interpret this as a shortcoming or even a source of shame. Certainly it is rare that we consider to that the struggle might be a potential source of strength. A useful and different perspective when experiencing difficulty is to interpret it as a signal that there might be something worthwhile on the other side. Such a mindset leads us to respond by doubling down on working through it. We all know people for whom everything seems to come so easily. Rather than looking on with envy, it is worth considering what they might be missing out on.
The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it
- Moliere
It is important that kids understand it is only by going through testing times and overcoming challenges that they will develop the requisite skills and resources to cope with the bigger tests and challenges they will inevitably face in the future. Realising this will help them see how difficulty can be desirable and appreciate that experiencing struggles is necessary to equip and prepare them for future trials. In this way, kids can start to recognise the value and opportunity that times of adversity present.
Along with effort and difficulty, another key ingredient that is central to making the pursuit rewarding is the uncertainty of the outcome. If success was guaranteed from the outset there would be very little sense of triumph - and very little incentive to pursue it in the first place. If we did choose to proceed, it is likely we would soon lose interest. A game where you succeed on every attempt very quickly becomes boring.
Rather than being fearful of the possibility of losing or failing in the arena, we should point out to kids that the appeal of sport or any competitive endeavour is that success is not assured. We rightly prize the most challenging and competitive endeavours precisely because of the high probability of falling short. It is striking that the most ambitious are drawn to the most selective trials where the chances of being successful are the lowest. We should encourage aspiring young performers when they set their sights on such improbable summits. But we should also do all we can to equip them for the quest and the setbacks they will experience along the way.
In the spirit of embracing difficulty, it is vital that aspiring young performers learn to appreciate the value of being stretched during routine practices and training sessions. The zone of proximal development describes the frontier that is towards the limits of a performer’s present abilities but where they are able to operate with the assistance of a knowledgeable and experienced coach. Operating in this frontier territory is naturally quite taxing and demands their full attention and effort. It is also vital that kids opt to do this voluntarily, with the knowledge that it will be challenging but also rewarding. Dealing with the attendant struggles is much easier when kids fully appreciate the considerable benefits on offer.
With the proper framing, aspiring young performers might even come to enjoy the prospect of being pushed to the limits of their present capabilities and relish the experience, rather than simply being something to grit their teeth and get through. Once again, disposition is pivotal. How we frame difficulty and struggle not only affects how we perceive a given situation (stressful versus stimulating, threat versus opportunity), but also how we respond under challenging conditions. Every trial we face contains a lesson that has the potential to serve us in the future. A healthy attitude to adopt even in the face of adverse events or setbacks such as injury is ‘clearly there is something here I have to learn’.