Helping Young Performers Attend to 'Self-Talk'
How kids can learn to become a good team-mate, advisor and accountability partner to themselves
As coaches and parents we take a great deal of care with what we say and how we communicate with young performers. Yet when I am coaching I am mindful that there are two voices (at least) that the athlete is attending to. In addition to whatever instructions or feedback I am giving, there is the voice in the athlete’s own head, which is arguably far more influential. Naturally we don’t have access to a young performer’s innermost thoughts, but sometimes they bubble up to the service. In sports psychology terms this is broadly encapsulated by the term ‘self talk’. Self-talk encompasses how we talk to ourselves out loud as well as what we are telling ourselves in our own heads.
This topic has particular resonance for me. I vividly remember a school (soccer) football match when I was audibly berating myself on the pitch to such an extent that I could actually sense the disquiet I was causing among the opposing players who were unfortunate enough to find themselves within earshot. Many years later a young squash player who I had worked with took this a step further - after each loss he suffered on the professional circuit he would take to social media to publicly beat up on himself in front of an online audience.
Why we would turn on ourselves in such a way seems to defy logic at first glance. Yet, my experience is that aspiring young athletes who hold themselves to a high standard and strive to excel also have a tendency to beat up on themselves. Any virtue has a downside and a characteristic of high achievers in different domains is that they tend to be their own biggest and most scathing critic.
Whilst public outbursts offer the most striking manifestation, we should recognise that this is simply the athlete verbalising out loud what they are telling themselves in the privacy of our heads. The self-talk that happens out in the open offers a glimpse into the chatter that goes on constantly between their ears. Such outbursts thus provide an opportunity for those in the athlete’s corner to shine a torch on what and how they habitually communicate with themselves. In doing so we take the first step towards helping the young performer to harness their internal dialogue in a way that better serves them.
One of the most common triggers for a young athlete to berate themselves is when they commit an error. Aside from the fact that nobody sets out to make mistakes, depending on the nature and circumstances we should point out that mistakes are not necessarily something they should admonish themselves for. Errors are not only inevitable but also integral to the development process, especially when operating at the frontier of our present capabilities (which is where the growth happens). It is vital that performers give themselves some grace and don’t punish themselves out of making the kinds of mistakes that are a necessary byproduct of striving to improve and develop.
More generally, berating somebody in public has negative consequences for the health of the relationship. This applies all the more when that person is ourselves. Toxic relationships are to be avoided, but when our tormentor resides in our head this poses something of a problem. Holding ourselves to a high standard is one thing, but when nothing is ever good enough the constant disapproval and even scorn from the person who in theory knows us best (i.e. ourselves) weighs heavy and is clearly not conducive from a performance health perspective.
The best way I have found to help young athletes realise the folly of the ‘friendly fire’ they are directing towards themselves (including in the example I cited above) is to point out that they would never dream of speaking like that to anybody else. I ask them to imagine they were speaking to a team-mate or training partner. In this scenario, they immediately recognise that it would not only be wrong but also counterproductive to behave so contemptuously towards somebody who they rely upon daily and need to perform well in order to be successful. Of course, this equally applies to themselves! Directing abuse and scorn towards themselves clearly does not serve them or the mission. Once young performers acknowledge this they can resolve to address themselves as if they were speaking to somebody they relied upon, cared about and wanted the best for.
That said, negative thoughts and scathing comments are not always directed inwards - they may be directed towards others or even the world in general. Anybody who has been around negative people can attest how draining it is to spend time in their company. Something to ponder is how much worse it is for the person themselves, given that they have no way to escape the constant stream of negativity within their own head. Aside from being counterproductive, wallowing in bitterness and resentment towards others or ruminating on negative thoughts is debilitating. From a performance health perspective, this is something that young performers need to be mindful of. As the grown ups who are supporting them, we can be of help in this regard.
Tuning in to monitor our internal chatter is important for other reasons. There is a more insidious form of internal dialogue that undermines our efforts in other ways. Within all of us there is an enabler who readily offers excuses and comes up with rationalisations to let ourselves off the hook when we are thinking of skipping practice or taking short-cuts. At these times it serves to pay attention to the still quiet voice inside us that sees what we are doing for what it is. In order to win these internal battles the young performer needs to attend to their internal dialogue and go with the part of themselves that wants the best for them.
Whilst it is necessary to have some compassion for themselves, not least when it comes to the tone of their internal chatter, it is equally important that aspiring young performers learn to hold themselves accountable. In our own minds we are continually constructing a narrative to explain and justify our role in events. It is important that young performers monitor their internal commentary and scrutinise the story they are telling themselves to make sure that they are not deceiving themselves or blaming others but rather taking responsibility and learning the lessons from each experience.
Finally, when we lose the plot it is sometimes necessary to have a word with ourselves and on occasion tough love is called for. There are times we need to give ourselves a kick up the backside. But again, the love part of ‘tough love’ is important, so this should be done in the spirit of coaching and encouragement. Just as they might cajole a team-mate to wake up and get their head in the game when they can see that they have switched off, a young performer can play the role of trusted friend to themselves to keep them on task and hold themselves to the goals they have committed to.